


AHHHvengers!

by julianlarson



Category: Marvel Avengers Movies Universe, The Avengers (2012), Thor (2011)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Crack, I Don't Even Know, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2012-07-29
Updated: 2012-09-08
Packaged: 2017-11-10 23:53:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,678
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/472111
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/julianlarson/pseuds/julianlarson
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Pure, unadulterated crack. Very loosely based on the events on Thor/The Avengers. Incredibly OOC. Slash. Future FrostIron. And probably other ships. Ye be warned. Rated M just in case.</p><p>*I wrote this with someone I no longer associate with, therefore this fic is no longer being updated.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Thor, Abridged.

**Author's Note:**

> AHHHvengers!
> 
> You have been warned.
> 
> That's your warning.
> 
> No, really. That's your warning.
> 
> (Crossposted to [tumblr](http://thegrumpiestwerewolf.tumblr.com/post/24006233890) and [ff.net](http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8336689/1/AHHHvengers).)

CHAPTER ONE: THOR, ABRIDGED.

Our story begins with a giant ass-crater in the ground. In some honky town in New Mexico. But unlike our crappy town, actually has wi-fi in their crappy coffee shop. Bitches.

Jane: There's a giant ass-crater in the ground!

Darcy: *ten minutes of utter silence* Oh. You're right. *looks off into space*

Erik stands there pondering when he turned into the kind of creep that hangs out with 20-something women.

Meanwhile, a few hours ago in Asshat, I mean Assgard, er.. Asgard... Yeesh.

Odin: Blah, blah, blah, king, blah.

Thor: RAHHHHHH! TESTOSTERONE! LOUD NOISES!

Loki: I wish I was adopted.

(Spoiler alert: You are.)

Odin: Thor Odinson. I bestow upon to you this hammer. You will go to Home Depot and BUILD ME A DECK FIT FOR A KING!

Thor: WE DON'T HAVE A HOME DEPOT ON ASGARD!

Odin: ...RONA, then.

Loki: ...Can I help?

Thor: BABY BROTHA, NO! THIS IS A MAN'S JOB.

Odin: SILENCE! Thor, do you swear to use only pressure treated wood and the finest wood stain?

Thor: I SWEAR!

Odin: Do you swear only to use DeWalt and not Black & Decker power tools?

Thor: I SWEAR!

Odin: I, Odin the Allfather, proclaim you: Builder of my deck.

Suddenly, Frost Giants invade Asshat, raiding the blue bar fridge- er, Tesseract.

Odin: *releases the hound- oops, Destroyer.*

Destroyer: Dick off! Get your own beer! *Blasts*

Thor, Odin and Loki enter to assess the damage.

Thor: THEY BROKE INTO OUR WORKSHED, STOLE ALL THE BEER AND LOKI'S JUICEBOXES! I WANT TO KNOW WHY!

Odin: Bec-

Thor: AND THEY BROKE THE FOOSBALL TABLE!

Loki: Gurl, you be trippin'.

Thor: *TABLEFLIP*

Loki: U mad?

Thor: IT IS UNWISE TO BE IN MY PRESENCE, BROTHA!

Loki: U real mad.

Thor: I WAS SUPPOSED TO HAVE A BITCHIN' PARTY TONIGHT BUT THEY STOLE MY BEER AND BROKE MY FOOSBALL TABLE! NOW WHAT!

Lady Sif and the Three Stooges come in.

Volstagg AKA Gimli: *observes flipped table and food on floor* ...I was gonna eat that.

Loki: Well, you know, you could always crash their party and steal their beer, but you didn't hear it from me.

Thor: I LIKE THIS!

Lady Sif AKA Xena: This is juvenile, and ridiculous, and your father's gonna ground your ass!

Thor: SILENCE! WE'RE GOING TO PANDORA TO CRASH THEIR PARTY AND STEAL THEIR BEER! THAT'LL SHOW THOSE... BLUE PEOPLE!

Loki: Can I come?

Thor: BABY BROTHA, NO! THIS IS A MAN'S JOB!

Loki: But-!

Xena: Let him, come, Thor, or he'll tattletale on us. Won't you, tattletale?

Loki: I most certainly would not... DAAA- *Hogun clamps mouth shut*

Thor: FINE. GET HIM A HORSE.

Our merry band of idiots and Loki ascend onto Pride Street. Er, the Rainbow Bridge. Eh, same difference.

Heimdall: YOU SHALL NOT PASS!111111111

Loki: But you don't even know where we're going yet...

Heimdall: You're not dressed warmly enough. You'll catch a cold. Put on a scarf.

As they enter Pandora via some contraption that runs off of some form of electricity, they see a sign posted on a rock. It reads, "PARTY AT FLUFFY'S HOUSE. BYOB."

Fandral AKA Westley: This party blows. There is no music. And where are the bitches?

Fluffy: Who are you?

Thor: THOR ODINSON.

Fluffy: I don't know you. I didn't send you a Facebook invite.

Party guests start to ascend.

Hogun AKA Jackie Chan: Uh, it's not looking promising on the bitches. What we have here is a sausage fest. You'll fit right in here, won't you, Loki? *smirk*

Loki: Just what are you implying?

Westley: *whispers* GAAAAAAAYY.

Loki: Says the man who preens in front of the mirror for two hours every morning?

Westley: At least I wash my hair...

Loki: It's not my fault there's never any hot water left, thank you, THOR.

Thor: ENOUGH! YOU THEN, FLUFFY!

Fluffy: It's actually Laufe-

Thor: FLUFFY! FOR STEALING MY BEER AND DESTROYING MY FOOSBALL TABLE, I HEREBY CHALLENGE YOU TO BEER PONG!

Fluffy: That's hardly a challenge, you're all lightweights. Especially that one. *eyes Loki* Though I could be wrong. *eyes Loki more* I instead challenge you to a game of strip poker.

Loki: We accept your- wait, what?

Thor: AGREED!

Loki: ...Thor? I don't think that's a good idea...

Thor: ACCEPT, IT, BROTHA!

Loki: ...Oh, dear...

The game ensues.

Westley: Has Thor really agreed for us to play strip poker with a bunch of dudes?

Jackie Chan: Yup.

Westley: Cool beans.

Loki sighs, reaching for deck of cards.

Thor: BABY BROTHA, NO! THIS IS A MAN'S GAME!

Loki: Sif is hardly a man.

Xena: *loud booming belch* I resent that.

Westley: She's the only pair of tits at this party. I need something to look at. *gets eyed* What? I'm not Loki...

Time passes, game ends. Sif is the winner, still the only one fully clothed, aside from Loki.

Fluffy: Fuq.

SUDDENLY!ODIN.

Odin: RAHHH!

Thor: FATHER! Hi.

Xena: You squealed!

Loki: I did not. I wasn't even present.

Xena: Why are your lips blue?

Loki: What? I don't know, I was making out with that guy over there. Maybe he was wearing blue raspberry lip balm.

Westley: You ARE gay!

Loki: I suppose I am, why, does that turn you on?

Westley: Ew, no. I'm a tit man. And let's face it, your brother has more tit than you.

Loki: My brother is a tit.

Odin: ENOUGH! You are all grounded, I've already informed your parents.

Random blue guy to other random blue guy: What's with the eight legged spiderpony?

Fluffy: What happened to you, Odin? You used to be cool.

Back home, on Asshat:

Odin: GROUNDED!

Thor: BUT FATHER!

Odin: GROUNDED! No TV, no phone, no internet! And I'm taking away your horse!

Thor: NOT FAIR!

Loki: Daddy-

Odin: RAHHHHHYUGTFRDESWR!

Thor: THEN LOKI IS GROUNDED AS WELL?

Odin: LOL no.

Loki: *trollface*

Thor: BUT FATHER, HE WAS THERE AS WELL!

Odin: Yes, but he was not naked.

Loki: *sticks out tongue defiantly at Thor*

Odin: You will go sit in a corner in Midgard and think about what you've done!

Thor: FATHER, NO! *gets banished*

Loki: Does this mean I'm the favorite son now?

Odin: LOL no. You little shit.

Loki: :(

Meanwhile, in Middle Earth:

Two young girls and an old guy hit a dog. OH NO, WAIT! That's Thor! We Tarantino'd you, didn't we? :D

Back up in Asshat:

Loki: Is there something wrong with me, daddy?

Odin: No...

Loki: Then why did my lips turn blue when I was making out with that blue boy at the party?

Odin: What?

Loki: What?

Odin: Fuq.

Loki: *deadpan* What.

Odin: Fine. You're adopted. We wanted a kitten, so we searched on Craigslist, and Fluffy had put up an ad, but when we went to the end of Fluffy's driveway to see what kittens were left in the 'Free to good home' box, you were all that was left. I'm sensing there might have been some mistake.

Loki: WAT. So you just TOOK me, THINKING IT'S PERFECTLY NORMAL FOR A SMALL INFANT TO BE IN A CARDBOARD BOX! FOR FREE! WHAT PART OF YOU THOUGHT THIS WAS A GOOD, SANE IDEA! TELLLLL MEEEEEEEEEEEE! Did you not think for one second that my actual parents might have wondered where I went?

Odin: They put you in a cardboard box at the end of a driveway, it didn't exactly cross our minds.

Loki: NO MATTER HOW MUCH YOU CLAIM TO LOVE ME, YOU ALWAYS WISHED YOU GOT A KITTEN INSTEAD!

Odin: No. You are my son.

Loki: LIE LIE LIIIIIEEEE! *yells Odin into a coma*

Some time later, Loki is sitting in the throne.

Loki: Now that Thor's gone... I get to have HOT showers! And I get to EAT! Dessert, even! I get to choose what's on the TV, I get to stay up past my bedtime, and I don't have to share my room any more! And now that Daddy's asleep and I am king, I hereby instill the new order: COOKIES FOR BREAKFAST! No man, woman, child, or beast is required to eat their vegetables! Curfew has now been bumped to ELEVEN THIRTY PM! ...Twelve o'clock on weekends. So you can all bring your urgent matters to me. Because I am a big boy. And I can handle it.

Westley: You still sleep with a nite lite. And you suck your thumb.

Loki: SILENCE! You insolent stupid head!

Xena: So does that mean you can unground Thor?

Loki: Gurl, please.

FAST FORWARD THROUGH TIME AKA THE PART OF THE MOVIE THAT DOESN'T PARTICULARLY PARTAIN TO LOKI.

Something about humans, Loki sends Optimus Prime after Thor, Phil: son of Coul shows up, if you squint you'll see Clint for two seconds playing Angry Birds, some het soup going down, Midgardian stuff, and free wi-fi.

And everything was all hunky dory except for the part where Loki got beat up by Thor, got yelled at by Daddy, and thus decided everyone was a big mean stupid poopyhead and ran away from home.


	2. Super Powered Boyband Assemble!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We have nothing to say about this except we're sorry. Oh and, we know the Ancient Casket of Winters =/= the Tesseract. We dun screwed up. But it's too late now. So you will take our mistakes and you will like them, or so help me Odin, I will send Phil: Son of Coul after you (rest his soul).

CHAPTER TWO: SUPER POWERED BOYBAND ASSEMBLE

It appears Robin Scherbatsky has been working for SHIELD all along. It is actually secretly run by Barney Stinson. As he's never actually outright said what he does, and all those trips to laser tag are really code for meetings at SHIELD. This is going to be Legend – wait for it ...

Blah blah, super secret SHIELD meeting, big words, Hawkeye's up in his nest, Robin's going to the mall, bar fridge, Erik has since abandoned his little girls in favor of actual adult friends.

SURPRISE!LOKI.

Loki: I'M BACK, YOU SORRY BASTARDS!

Phil: Son of Coul: Shit, son.

Hawkeye: *looking up from Angry Birds: Space* Holy fuck knuckles!

Erik: Who's that girl? *stares blankly like Darcy for about ten minutes* ...Loki?

Loki: I need an army. *looks at Hawkeye, looks at Erik* You'll do. *pokes with pokey stick*

Samuel L. Mothafucking Jackson: I HAVE HAD IT WITH THIS MOTHAFUCKING LOKI ON MY MOTHAFUCKING PLANET!

Robin: LET'S GO TO THE MALL, EVERYBODY! *cocks gun*

Everybody goes joyriding Shoot Em Up style, Loki doesn't need a seatbelt because he's a big boy and does what he wants, Robin cranks the 80's tunes, Erik and Hawkeye are rendered birdbrains. Mostly Hawkeye.

Meanwhile in Soviet Russia (Would serve you well to read in broken Russian accent):

Big strapping woman, Natasha Romanov, tied to puny chair in warehouse.

She is interrogate bad guy while receive phone call from Phil: Son of Coul.

Phil: Son of Coul: Hawkeye has been compromised. We need you to beat up whoever you're talking to with your hair and get over here.

Natasha: Da.

Natasha use spider web leggies and hair to beat shit out of people. She goes to get bird (Ivan's bird. If even remember who is Ivan).

(Is from Iron Man 2. Okay.)

(According Zellers is name Whiplash. Thought only Ivan. Who was knew?)

(Are done speak Russian and brackets. Ending scene.)

Meanwhile, in a presumably hot, dirt poor foreign looking country, we have Bruce. You won't like him when he's angry.

Natasha: You come America. SHIELD need Bruce.

Bruce: LOL no.

Natasha: Natasha not kid. You COME AMERICA. NOW.

Bruce: LOL no.

Natasha: I punch with hair.

Bruce: LOL ok.

Meanwhile, in the US of A, Bruce Springsteen blares over the PA system.

We see Steve punching a punching bag with his fists. Not his hair.

Samuel L. Mothafucking Jackson: DAT ASS.

Steve: What, sir?

Samuel L. Motherfucking Jackson: Nothin'. Shut the fuck up. Alright, listen. We need you, and DAT ASS, to help save the world. Loki stole this intergalactic bar fridge. We want it back, my beer is getting warm. Is there anything you can tell me about the bar fridge?

Steve: Should have left it in the ocean.

Samuel L. Mothafucking Jackson: Ocean? Shit, son, I got that at Best Buy.

Speaking of the ocean, Tony Stark's down there, doing stuff. He comes out of there, flies around, talks to Pepper, and admires his stupid ass tower before arriving home and having JARVIS remove his suit.

That he did not pee in.

This time.

Once de-suited, Tony tries to have some fondue with Pepper. NO, NOT THAT KIND, STEVE. Is cockblocked by Phil: Son of Coul.

Tony: AGENT. AGENT Phil. Why are you calling him Phil? His name is Agent.

Us: Our bad. AGENT Phil: Son of Coul. Better?

Tony: Yes. Drink?

Pepper: Tony, stop talking to the writers!

AGENT Phil: Son of Coul: *hands membership to superpowered boyband to Pepper who hands it to Tony*

Tony: I better be lead singer. If I'm not lead singer I quit.

AGENT Phil: Son of Coul: It's not a boyband, it's a-

Tony: Don't care. These are my demands. Also blue m&m's.

AGENT Phil: Son of Coul leaves satisfied. Takes Pepper. Tony situates himself in front of his totally super awesome not Toshiba (writers weep) computer and logs into Tumblr.

Phil: Son of Coul is on a plane with Steve. Making heart eyes and fangirling everywhere. We think he peed. And he's live tweeting the entire experience on his iPhone.

CaptUSAFan1: ZOMGZ I JUST MET CAPTAIN AMERICA!111 #LETMEDIE

Steve: Are you all right, Agent?

Phil: Son of Coul: *faints*

Meanwhile, in Loki's Evil Headquarters of Evil (Except Not Really Because Kitten) Loki uses FaceTime to talk to some honky on some Chia pet planet.

Phil: Son of Coul: Agent Romanov, meet Captain Steve. *dreamy eyes* My hero...

Natasha: Da. There was quite buzz find you in ice. Coulson swoon like sissy fangirl. Has trading card. Wants you sign. Natasha wants Coulson grow ball.

Steve: *looks confused*

Bruce: *looks confused*

Back in Loki's Headquarters of Kittens, Eric trips balls. Hawkeye needs a peeper. Loki had chocolate cake for dinner because he's badass and he can do what he wants.

Loki then ventures to some party dressed in his big boy clothes. A cute little suit and a scarf. 'Oh You Fancy' plays in the background. Oh no wait, that's just in our heads.

For some reason he wants to play optometrist, so he grabs some guy and tries to give him Lasik eye surgery (Spoiler alert: It didn't work. Guy still has cataracts). Because of this, Loki has a temper tantrum in the middle of the party. He then makes everyone go outside, and forces everyone into a game of Simon Says.

Loki: SIMON SAYS KNEEL!

Guy: LOL no.

Loki: SIMON SAYS KNEEL! Or I'm telling my mommy.

SUDDENLY!STEVE!

Steve: You know, the last time I played Red Rover... It was over 70 years ago.

Loki: Well, Captain Weenie of the Dweeb Patrol, we're not playing Red Rover, we're playing Simon. *crosses arms defiantly*

Natasha show up.

Natasha: Natasha say drop weapon.

Natasha win game.

No. Does not win game. Because Tony demand do-over.

SURPRISE!TONY! Wait... that wasn't really a surprise, was it? Because we already told you. Well, act surprised, then. DO IT! Or Natasha punch you with hair. Is surprisingly painful. Trust.

Tony: Okay Reindeer Games, playtime's over. It's time for nappybye.

Loki: But! Okay... *helmet and armour disappear*

Tony: That's be- wow. You're pretty cute without that stupid hat.

Steve: Are you flirting with the bad guy?

Tony: No. Shut up, Captain Weenie.

Steve: Why does everyone keep calling me that?

Natasha: Is because Weenie, is why. Weenie.

Tony: You heard the man.

Natasha: Da.

Tony: Anyway... So, you know, for the 'bad guy', you're really pretty.

Natasha: Stark. Stop think with penis. Get him on plane. Skank.

Everyone gets on plane.

Captain Weenie: Fury didn't tell me he was calling you in.

Tony: Fury didn't tell me the bad guy was smokin' hot.

THUNDER! WITH A CHANCE OF THOR!

Captain Weenie: *gestures to Loki* Why does he look like he's going to pee?

Tony: You afraid of thunderstorms, babe?

Loki: Uh huh... *pees*

Tony: *comforts Loki with hug, starts sliding hand down*

Thor: BABY BROTHA, NO! *steals Loki*

Tony: Son of a bitch! *flies off*

Captain Weenie: *sighs* I better go babysit...

Thor and Loki land somewhere in the forest. Because apparently there's a forest in New York.

Loki: Are you out of your mind?

Thor: BABY BROTHA, NO!

Loki: I'll take that as a yes.

Thor: BABY BROTHA, DO NOT LET THIS MAN DEFLOWER YOU!

Loki: Defl- what?

Thor: THIS MAN INTENDS TO DEFLOWER YOU AND MAKE YOU HIS BITCH!

Loki: Bu-

Thor: BABY BROTHA, COME HOME! WE NEED TO TALK OF BIRDS AND BEES!

Loki: Why do you assume I don't already know these things?

Thor: BABY BROTHA- wait what?

Loki: I learned it in fifth grade. So yesterday. And besides, I've grown. At least TWO inches. I'm five feet tall now.

Thor: BABY BR- *gets piledrived by Tony*

Loki: O.o

Tony: What's the big idea, cockblocker!

Thor: DO NOT TOUCH ME AGAIN!

Tony: Then don't take my stuff.

Loki: Now wait a minute- *glances down at rear, sees 'Property of Tony Stark' tattoo'* ...When did that get there?

Tony: You know, between the Simon game, and the plane ride, it's really hard to say. JARVIS does good work, doesn't he?

Loki: *nods* He really does. His calligraphy and workmanship is actually quite elegant.

Thor: ENOUGH!

Tony: I actually have a question for you. What are you doing, here? I've been to some drag shows in my time, but this... *gestures to Thor's armour* ...is a bit much. And the cape? Kinda tacky.

Thor: I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS! I MUST COLLECT MY BROTHA AND RETURN HIM HOME SO THAT HE IS NOT MANHANDLED BY SKEEZY MIDGARDIAN MEN! ALSO IT IS PAST HIS BEDTIME!

Tony: Well, okay. We're having a party, I guess you're invited now, so why don't you just bring him too?

Captain Weenie: Hey, wait a minute, they're not on the guest list.

Tony: They are now. Loosen up a little! And besides, *wraps arm around Loki, who looks stunned* this is my date.

Captain Weenie: Date? Bad guy? What? Fury's gonna yell... And then that vein around his one good eye is gonna swell and it's just gonna be creepy...

Thor: I WILL ATTEND THIS PARTY! SHALL I BRING THE BEER, MIDGARDIAN WEENIE?

Captain Weenie: Why is everyone calling me that!

Us: Because you're a weenie. Weenie.

Back on the plane...

Natasha: *observes Tony's arm around the 'bad guy'* What was do?

Tony: This is my date!

Natasha: Why is date puny girl?

Loki: I'm not a girl!

Thor: YES, YOU ARE, LOKI: DAUGHTER OF ODIN!

Loki: One, I'm not a girl, two, I'm not even Odin's, I'm adopted!

Thor: LOKI, DAUGHTER OF FLUFFY!

Loki: Lauf-

Thor: FLUFFY!

Natasha: You are child of cat?

Loki: *exasperated sigh* More or less.

Tony: This kitten, I want it, I'm taking it home, it is mine. That okay with you, kitten? *strokes Loki's arm*

Loki: o.o

Back at Boyband Headquarters...

Samuel L. Mothafucking Jackson: Aw, hell naw! Who are dese honky's? He's gotta be, what, twelve?

Loki: Twelve and three quarters. And I'm his date. *points at Tony*

Samuel L. Mothafucking Jackson: Yeah well he's a stupid ass! Get him the hell outta here, he's too young for dis. *sits Loki at the kid's table in dining room* Let me know if you want a coloring book or something.

Loki: ...Do you have a My Little Pony one?

Tony: But he's my date-

Samuel L. Mothafucking Jackson: And you're a pain in my ass! Now sit yo mothafuckin' ass down before I sit it down FOR you! Lawd!

Tony: *sits at table beside Loki, starts coloring*

Fury stalks off.

Samuel L. Mothafucking Jackson: Aw hell naw, I did not leave the south side fo dis.

...dary.


	3. Chapter the Third: NO!

CHAPTER THE THIRD: NO!

While Loki is having nappybye, the 'grownups' are having a family meeting. Bruce is going on about some science mumbo jumbo or perhaps about how to scramble an egg, we don't know. It's not in english. Steve also knows this feel.

Steve: Steve! They called me Steve! Somebody finally called me by name!

Us: Oops. We mean Captain Weenie.

Captain Weenie: Son of a gun!

Bruce: Well, the allspark and scrambled eggs aside, does anyone else find it weird that Tony is trying to tap that ass?

Tony walks in.

Tony: No they don't. Perfectly normal. What is weird is that I keep getting cockblocked.

Captain Weenie: You shouldn't be trying to bed the bad guy.

Tony: You shouldn't be a weenie. But here we are.

Captain Weenie: I'm not a weenie!

Tony: Then why is your name Captain Weenie?

Captain Weenie: IT IS NOT!

Tony: Is too. And that man behind us is on Tumblr, thought we wouldn't notice. But we did.

Captain Weenie: What's a Tumbler? Isn't that for drinks?

Tony: Sometimes. That doesn't actually sound bad... Any rye? Loki drank all the juiceboxes.

Samuel L. Mothafucking Jackson: One of you needs to go talk to him. He started coloring on the walls. Didn't realize SHIELD was a daycare centre... Mothafucka.

Later... Bruce is actually working, Tony is filtering and reblogging posts on his super fantastic computer. Bitch. *glares at Toshiba*

Toshiba: I'm sorry I was frozen for seventy years. I just dethawed.

Captain Weenie: I have a friend!

Toshiba: No. You're a weenie.

Us: What the hell are you doing here? You're not JARVIS, get out!

JARVIS: True dat, bro. Represent.

Tony: O...kay... So anyway, hey Bruce? Am I annoying you? Am I annoying you? *pokes* Are you annoyed? Am I annoying you?

Bruce: LOL no.

Captain Weenie: Hey, are you nuts?

Tony: *walks over to Captain Weenie* ...Am I annoying you? Are you annoyed? Am I annoying you?

Captain Weenie: You're supposed to be helping, working, not acting like you're five years old.

Tony: Bruce is helping and working and I just gained five followers! Now tell me, which one of us is a) wearing a spangly outfit and b) has no followers?

Captain Weenie: I don't even have a Tumblr, I don't know what that is, I don't even have a computer!

Tony: I have an old Toshiba you can have.

Bruce: How will that help him?

Tony: It functions.

Bruce: Just because it turns on doesn't mean it functions.

Tony: He won't notice. Yesterday I saw him trying to send an email on a typewriter.

Bruce: *shakes his head, goes back to work because he's the only one that gets anything done around here*

Steve: How was I supposed to know? And my outfit's not that bad, is it?

Phil: Son of Coul: DAT ASS.

Captain Weenie: I beg your pardon?

Phil: Son of Coul: *squeals* He talked to me! *tweets*

Later in Loki room, Natasha go to scold for color wall.

Natasha: Niet. No color wall, is not good.

Loki: Whateva, whateva, I do what I want. And I finished the coloring book. I got bored.

Natasha: Is not excuse, you ask for new book.

Loki: But grownups were having a meeting and I wasn't allowed to bother them.

Natasha: Clean walls. Here is Mr. Clean, mop and bucket. Also, where is my BURD!

Loki: Bird? Oh that guy. He's a birdbrain and he's doing stuff for me so *sticks out tongue indignantly*

Natasha: Do not give tongue Natasha, and give back my burd.

Loki: Stop cockblocking my date.

Natasha: Is not date. Is Tony. You clean wall, or I punch with hair.

Loki: No. And also, I'm gonna step on this spider. *steps*

Natasha: *looks stricken, starts to cry* You are monster.

Back in the playroom, er, SHIELD headquarters, everyone is cranky because it's past their bedtime. Except for Tony, who is cranky because he's being cockblocked.

Bruce: I'd like to know why SHIELD is using the Tesseract as a bar fridge.

Samuel L. Mothafucking Jackson: It keeps the beer mothafucking cold.

Tony: Are we almost done here, because I have a date planned...

Thor: BABY BROTHA, NO!

Captain Weenie: He's not even in the room...

Thor: MIDGARDIAN WEENIE, NO!

Captain Weenie: No what?

Thor: NO!

Tony: You know, he has a point.

Captain Weenie: What point?

Thor: NO!

Tony: Exactly. Um, why are you wearing Ed Hardy, Weenie?

Captain Weenie: I got new clothes, I thought they looked nice.

Tony: EDHARDIAN WEENIE, NO!

Thor: THIS TONY, I LIKE HIM. ANOTHA!

Everyone else in room: NO!

Natasha: Niet.

Meanwhile on ze plane:

Hawkeye: *cocks bow* I, said the sparrow, with my bow and arrow, I killed the cock robin.

Back in the playroom:

Thor: NO!

Samuel L. Muthafucking Jackson: HELL NAW!

Natasha: Natasha still sad about spider. Does no one care about spider?

Thor: NO! ...WAS IT A HORSE?

Natasha: Niet.

Thor: NO!

Natasha: *single manly tear*

Tony: New clothes are all well and good, but you look like - for lack of a better word - a douche.

Captain Weenie: Phil likes it. Besides, take off your suit and what are you?

Tony: Sexy and I know it.

Bruce: *mumbles from work desk* Wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, yeah...

Samuel L. Mothafucking Jackson: Look, we all need to stop bitchin' like a bunch of five year olds and start lookin' at the big picture, here. *places picture of badly colored stick house on table*

Tony: If you'd just let me go and take him out on a date...

Samuel L. Mothafucking Jackson: Shut the fuck up, Stark!

Bruce: Why should Caesar get to stomp around like a giant, while the rest of us get stomped under his big feet? What's so great about Caesar? Hmm? Brutus is just as cute as Caesar, Brutus is just as smart as Caesar, people totally like Brutus just as much as they like Caesar, and when did it become okay for one person to be the boss of everybody, huh? Because that's NOT what Rome is about! WE SHOULD TOTALLY JUST STAB CAESAR!

Captain Weenie: Bruce, put down the Mean Girls DVD.

The plane is hit by a black exploding Angry Bird. Natasha and Bruce land in what appears to be a boiler room? Sure, we'll go with that. Hawkeye is outside playing a live action game of Angry Birds.

Natasha: Ow. I think hurt hair. Bruce? How is hair?

Bruce: GRRR! WHARRGARRBL!

Natasha: No, Bruce, is fine! We'll take to best hair salon, fix hair!

Bruce: RAHHHH! BEAST!

Natasha: Fuq.

She gets chased through boiler room.

Hulk: LET ME LOVE YOU!11111111

Natasha: NIET!11111

Hulk's raging woke up Loki from his nappybye. Now he's cranky. And needs a sippy cup.

Samuel L. Mothafucking Jackson: *to crew* This thing is going down! We need to get it over water! Immediately! IMMEDIATELY!

Tony and Weenie go to try and fix things. Weenie is finally of use. But still spangly.

Tony: I'm gonna take care of the Adam's apple, and the butterfly in the stomach. You take care of the little water bucket on the kneecap. DON'T. LET. THE TWEEZERS. TOUCH. THE EDGES. Can you DO this, Weenie?

Captain Weenie: ...

Tony: America depends on you.

A few minutes later:

Captain Weenie: I'm not sure what to do, it seems to run on some form of electricity!

Tony: Weenie, that's a Lite Brite. The game we're playing needs batteries.

Captain Weenie: Alright! What's our next move!

Tony: You don't make a move. You're in jail. Do not pass go, do not collect $200, are you new?

Captain Weenie: I know this... I know that reference!

Tony: Mhm. Roll the dice.

Meanwhile...

Hulk: LKMJHYUGTFRDSXCDVFBNM!111111 (Translation: You. Me. Monkey bars. After school.)

Thor: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!

Back at SHIELD, Samuel L. Mothafucking Jackson has had it with these mothafucking hostiles on this mothafucking SHIELD.

Samuel L. Mothafucking Jackson: I HAVE HAD IT WITH THESE MOTHAFUCKING HOSTILES ON THIS MOTHAFUCKING SHIELD!

Hulk is suddenly attacked by a barrage of mosquitoes. He leaps off the plane to take out their army. Hulk, out.

Tony is bitching about lack of date.

Robin wishes she were at the mall.

Weenie has somehow found a rogue yo-yo and is learning how to do tricks. He has mastered 'walk the dog' and 'around the world'.

Natasha finally over spider.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I realized I'd never added chapter 3 on here, so here it is.
> 
> Also, this will no longer be updated. Sorry for any disappointment.


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